Hello, hello, how is everyone? I hope everyone is doing better than me.
(Side note-- I changed my twitter name to @SmackyKennedy)
I'm come to what I feel like is my last safe place on the internet to just rant and whine for a bit. I say last safe place because I made the mistake of letting real life friends/family follow my twitter and, well, you know how Facebook is.
The only thing in my life that is currently making me happy are my jobs. I work at an animal shelter now, and while it is quite labor intensive, I am often rewarded with snuggles from dogs and kitties, so that's a plus. They appreciate me there and they are a fun group to work with so I'm pretty grateful for that. I'm still doing some transcription work, creating subtitles for an online art school. It's kind of like getting paid to go to college for art. If only I had time to practice! Both jobs pay me reasonably well, too. Sadly, with cost of living as ridiculous as it is these days, it's just not enough, especially with two kids that need something every single time I turn around. I'm about to lose my car. It's old and has a title loan on it, but it's basically get rid of it or move into it.
Despite my jobs going as well as can be expected, I'm still kind of miserable overall. My kids are a constant source of stress, whether it's because they're fighting or not listening or maybe the school needs yet another $20 I don't have for a field trip or fundraiser. Or their shoes are too small or they need a haircut, etc. Any parent can relate, but I'm literally buying what they need then bouncing a check at the grocery store when I get food later. They are 13 and 9 now (OMG) and don't want to help me with anything around the house, and some days I just don't want to fight so I just sigh and unload the dishwasher and take the trash out. I know enabling them doesn't really help, but I'm just so tired of arguing, you know? Their Dad is FINALLY paying some child support consistently, which is enough to cover groceries. It only took 5 years and me threatening to kick him out of their lives for him to find that extra $320 a month. That's a laughable amount too. Most single dads I've talked to pay upwards of $1000 - $2000 a month and have expressed the willingness to kick my ex's ass if needed.
The oldest is mildly autistic and your classic "nerd" type, so he is constantly getting bullied. We've talked to the school about it, but beyond that I just don't know how to help him.
I think the main thing is I'm just lonely and tired. I'm tired of doing EVERYTHING by myself and the pressure of being responsible for everything. I'm tired of being alone, but I'm too tired and busy to do anything about it. I still have horrible self-esteem and social anxiety. I signed up for Match.com over the summer and have gotten 40 emails since then, but haven't responded to any of them and ended up cancelling it. I'm either not interested in them for whatever reason or I talk myself out of it. Who the heck would want to take on me and my baggage? Two kids, 4 pets, no car, broke/debt, my teeth are awful, I'm ugly...the list goes on and on. The only people in person who have shown interest are people I have no interest in dating, like my 60-year-old neighbor (ew) or my drunk neighbors that remind me of my ex-husband. Maybe my standards are too high, especially when you look at what I have to offer the other person.
My mom keeps telling me I just haven't found the right guy yet-- "It'll happen! Look, me and [my stepdad]. We didn't find each other until I was 55."
NOT HELPING, MA!
Maybe that IS the problem? Maybe I just need that "right guy" to help snap me out of it and motivate me? It's so frustrating that at 37 I have never found a deep connection with anyone, much less romantic love. I don't know. So far antidepressants didn't help. Counseling didn't help. Certainly family and friends telling me that I'm "so pretty and talented" or "just put yourself out there" doesn't help either. It only makes me more depressed because I'm the lone introvert in a family of outgoing people, and it's not a switch you can just flip on.
Anyways, thanks for reading. I took NyQuil shortly before I wrote this so blame all errors on that. Love and light to you all.
PS Can you believe TJ is reading the last ever script for Bones??